Fun_People Archive
10 Feb
Wanna make tenure fast?

Date: Thu, 10 Feb 94 18:22:21 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: Wanna make tenure fast?

[What happens when you compound conventional wisdom?  For example, what is
 the cross product of "a little learning is a dangerous thing" and "if one
 is good two is better"?  That's right!  And now, for the fast track to
 academic success...  -psl]

 From: Lani Herrmann <lanih@bliss.Berkeley.EDU>
 From: Cal Herrmann <arminius@nature.Berkeley.EDU>
 From: funny@clarinet.com
 From: Maddi Hausmann Sojourner
 From: ...

Dear Fellow Scientist:

This letter has been around the world at least seven times.  It has been
to many major conferences.  Now it has come to you.  It will bring you 
good fortune.  This is true even if you don't believe it.  But you must 
follow these instructions:

 -  include in your next journal article the citations below.
 -  remove the first citation from the list and add a
citation to your journal article at the bottom.
 -  make ten copies and send them to colleagues.

Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times!  This will
amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve
your sex life.  In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues.
Do not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today.

Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she 
was elected to the National Academy of Sciences.  Prof. M.  threw this 
letter away and was denied tenure.  In Japan, Dr.  I. received this 
letter and put it aside.  His article for Trans. on Nephrology was 
rejected.  He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was 
published that year in the New England Journal of Medicine.  In the 
Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a budget cutback
his entire department was eliminated.  This could happen to you if you 
break the chain of citations.

1. Miller, J. (1992).  
Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light.
Journal of Cognitive  Artifacts, 8, 113-117.

2. Johnson, S. (1991).  
Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull of the hydrant. 
Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.

3. Anderson, R. (1990).  Your place or mine?: 
an empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior.  
Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.

4. David, E. (1994). 
Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization: 
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks
with Emergent Symbolic Structure. 
(doctoral dissertation, University of California at 
Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).

© 1994 Peter Langston