Fun_People Archive
3 Jan
Stopping at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat...

Date: Mon,  3 Jan 94 02:44:41 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: Stopping at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat...

 From: vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU!bostic (Keith Bostic)
 From kkoller@nyx10.cs.du.edu Fri Dec 24 13:30:08 MST 1993
 
The following is a *true* story.  It amused the hell out of me while it 
was happening.  I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
 
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h
I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.  In my billfold
is a $50 bill and a $2 bill.  That is all of the cash I have on my
person.  I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and
not have to worry about people getting pissed at me.

ME:  "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT:  "Is that it?"
ME:  "Yep."
IT:  "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME:  "No, it's *to* *go*."  [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.  He looks at
it kind of funny and 

IT:  "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.  The 
following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT:  "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG:  "No.  A what?"
IT:  "A $2 bill.  This guy just gave it to me."
MG:  "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp]
IT:  "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT:  "We don't take these.  Do you have anything else?"
ME:  "Just this fifty.  You don't take $2 bills?  Why?"
IT:  "I don't know."
ME:  "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT:  "Yeah."
ME:  "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT:  "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to 
shoplift, and

IT:  "He says I have to take it."
MG:  "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT:  "Yeah, a fifty.  I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG:  "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."  [my emp]
IT:  "What should I do?"
MG:  "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT:  "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG:  "Just tell him."
IT:  "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG:  "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."  [it was 8pm and
      this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
      other stores.]
ME:  "Well, here's a two."
MG:  "We don't take *those* either."
ME:  "Why the hell not?"
MG:  "I think you *know* why."
ME:  "No really, tell me, why?"
MG:  "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME:  "Excuse me?"
MG:  "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME:  "What the hell for?"
MG:  "Please, sir."
ME:  "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG:  "Would you please just leave?"
ME:  "No."
MG:  "Fine, have it your way then."
ME:  "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone 
around the corner.  I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, 
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.  A few minutes later this 
45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper]

SG:  "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG:  "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG:  "Really?  What?"
MG:  "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG:  "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?"  [incredulous]
MG:  "I don't know?  He's kinda weird.  Says the only other thing he has is
      a fifty."
SG:  "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG:  "NO, the $2 is."
SG:  "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG:  "I don't know.  Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG:  "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG:  "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME:  "Uh, no."
SG:  "Lemme see 'em."
ME:  "Why?"
SG:  "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so 
I said

ME:  "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a 
swing at him.  He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, 
and says

SG:  "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG:  "It's fake."
SG:  "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG:  "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG:  "Yeah?"
MG:  "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it 
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon 
things, too.  Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see 
what happens when I try to buy stuff.  If I got the right group of 
people, I could probably end up in jail.  At least you get free food.

---
Captain Sarcastic - kkoller@nox.cs.du.edu - Read alt.captain.sarcastic or die.
Yes, I traded my oldest for a couple of lids
But it's none of your business how *I* raise *my* kids
Now let's get the baby high.

© 1994 Peter Langston