Fun_People Archive
11 Nov
J.P.S. Cookbook

Date: Thu, 11 Nov 93 00:14:02 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: J.P.S. Cookbook

		<taken without permission from the Utne Reader>
		The Jean-Paul Sarte cookbook
		"Being and tuna casserole"

We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of 
French philosopher Jean-Paul Sarte stuck in between the cushions of our 
office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sarte obsessed not with the 
void, but with food. Appearantly Sarte, before discovering philosophy, 
had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of 
flavor forever." The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.

October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually 
eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to 
begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep 
creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the 
sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an 
omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead 
they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not 
look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. 
Malraux suggested paprika.

October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional 
dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void. I feel so accutely. 
Today I tried this recipe:
	Tuna Casserole
	> Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
	Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing
	the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are.
	When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its 
inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize 
that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I 
am becoming more and more frustrated.

October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire 
cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, 
embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well 
as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the 
four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of 
foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, 
refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a 
recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, 
and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.

November 15
Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a 
live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word 'cake'. I was 
very pleased. Malraux said that he admired it greatly, but could not 
stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound 
achievement yet, and have resolved to enter the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

November 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had 
hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty 
Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling 
a blue spruce in less than ten minutes, and proved, needless to say, 
more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. 
I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather 
nasty lawsuit.

December 1
I have been gaining 25 pounds a week for two months, and I am now 
experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and 
ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, 
but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on 
cigarettes and black coffee.
				-- Marty Smith
	 			_Free Agent_

© 1993 Peter Langston