Fun_People Archive
28 May
Fairy Tale Update

Date: Fri, 28 May 93 18:00:12 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Fairy Tale Update 

[Reading this story fulfills 33% of your PRR (Political Rectitude Requirement)
for the day.  Note that next year, when we switch to PRA from PRR, it will
provide 80% of your PRA (Political Rectitude Allowance).  -psl]

    Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale 
                          by Jim Garner 
  Forwarded from: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
       originally appeared in "Comic Relief"  April, 1993 

	There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who 
lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her 
mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water 
to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, 
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a 
feeling of community.  Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, 
but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully 
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. 
	So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food 
through the woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest 
was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red 
Riding Hood, however, was so confident in her own budding sexuality 
that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her. 
	On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was 
accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.  She 
replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is 
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." 
	The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a 
little girl to walk through these woods alone." 
	Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark 
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your 
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which 
has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview.  Now, 
if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way." 
	Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But, 
because his status outside society had freed him from slavish 
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a 
quicker route to Grandma's house.  He burst into the house and ate 
Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as 
himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what 
was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and 
crawled into bed. 
	Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, 
I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you 
in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." 
	From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, 
so that I might see you." 
	Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically 
challenged as a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!" 
	"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." 
	"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of 
course, and certainly attractive in its own way." 
	"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." 
	"Grandma, what big teeth you have!" 
	The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," 
and leaped out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, 
intent on devouring her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of 
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but 
because of his willful invasion of her personal space. 
	Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person 
(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he 
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. 
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped. 
	"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding 
Hood. 
	The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but 
no words came to him. 
	"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your 
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist! 
Speciesist!  How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve 
their own problems without a man's help!" 
	When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped 
out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut 
his head off.  After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the 
Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up 
an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, 
and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. 

© 1993 Peter Langston