Fun_People Archive
13 May
Comma-Splice 101

Date: Thu, 13 May 93 01:58:14 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Comma-Splice 101

 From: "EL Shaw" <el_shaw%lucifer@harvard.harvard.edu>
 From: andrew@parthum.HQ.Ileaf.COM (Andrew Parthum)
 From: ...
[Andrew says "Numerous forwarding messages have been removed to protect
 people who forward messages via e-mail on company time."  It's an
 interesting concept... -psl]

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.
The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

-------- Beginning of Marginally Humorous Included Mail --------
 
3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE
APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:  ARE THERE
ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
 
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
 
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love,
and an outlaw in Peru.
 
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I
play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
my yard.  I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don't
perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been
caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I toured
New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  I bat .400. 
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles.  Children trust me.
 
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
 
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.  Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. 
I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.  I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
 
But I have not yet gone to college.

© 1993 Peter Langston