Fun_People Archive
5 May
Hog Heaven

Date: Wed,  5 May 93 18:18:28 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Hog Heaven

[I know it's an old gag, but this version has a certain dizzying lunacy...  -psl]

 From: <pep@research.att.com>
 From: schaefer@hri.com (Rich Schaefer)
 From: mdf@midnight.com (Mike Fleischner)
 From:  ...Many forwards ...

 From the Desk of: Don Genereaux

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

   My friend, Dan Hansen, over at Honey Creek, Iowa, received a check for
$1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs.  So I want to go into
the "NOT RAISING HOGS" business next year.
   What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm
not to raise hogs on?  And what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?  I
want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government
policies.
   As I see it, the hardest part of the "NOT RAISING HOGS" program is
keeping accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
   My friend Hansen is very joyful about the future of the business.  He has
been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he has ever made on
them was $422.90 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for the
$1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs.
   If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, then would I get $2000.00 for
not raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself to about 4,000 hogs not raised the first year, which would bring in
about $80,000.00; then I can afford an airplane.
   Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn.  I understand that the government also pays people not to
raise corn and wheat.  Would I qualify for payments for not raising these
crops not to feed my hogs I will not be raising?
   I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time
of the year for the "NOT RAISING HOGS" and "NOT PLANTING CROPS" business.
   Also I am giving serious consideration to the "NOT MILKING COWS" business
and any information you would have on the endeavor would be greatly
appreciated.
   In View of the fact that I will be totally unemployed, I will be filing
for unemployment and food stamps, and was wondering how long that process
takes.
   Be assured, Mr. Secretary, you will have my vote in the upcoming
election.

Patriotically Yours,

Don Genereaux

P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to give out the free cheese
again?

© 1993 Peter Langston