Fun_People Archive
15 Apr
Laws of TV Physics

Date: Thu, 15 Apr 93 16:44:09 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Laws of TV Physics

Based on material that came:
 From: yost <yost@mv.us.adobe.com>
 From: Cate3.OSBU_North@xerox.com
 From: garrett@Ingres.COM (REACH OUT AND GREP SOMEONE)
 From: nameless others

The first 28 Laws of Television Physics

 1 All Chinese people will know Karate.
 2 All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth
	and 3 two outs, (often on the 3/2 pitch).
 3 All women will either faint or scream hysterically at crucial times.
 4 Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill good guys, but will always
	leave before finding out whether they work.
 5 Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
 6 Christmas Eve and Halloween night will last for at least three days each.
 7 Crazy people will always be dangerous and have super-human strength.
 8 Everyone important will win in Las Vegas.
 9 Good guys will always be good looking.
10 Good guys will always be outnumbered.
11 Good guys will always be the only ones with a sense of humor.
12 Good guys will always find parking places in front of their destinations.
13 Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
14 Good guys will always shoot better than bad guys.
15 Good guys will always be guys.
16 Haunted houses will never be locked.
17 If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
18 If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
19 Monsters are best hunted down when everyone spreads out and goes out
	alone instead of in groups.
20 Nobody on TV will have time to watch TV.
21 Police will never wait for back-up.
22 Teenagers will always be smarter than their parents.
23 The head bad guy will always be smart (but crazy). His henchmen will
	always be stupid.
24 Thunderstorms will spontaneously create murders.
25 Ugly people will always be bad guys.
26 Ugly people will always be men (there are no ugly women).
27 Undercover cops will be too good to be spotted until the last 5 minutes.
28 Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by
	a maniacal killer or a monster.

© 1993 Peter Langston