Fun_People Archive
9 Apr
Club Malaprop charter members (Goldwyn, Stengel, & Berra) and a newcomer

Date: Fri,  9 Apr 93 00:32:25 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Club Malaprop charter members (Goldwyn, Stengel, & Berra) and a newcomer

[I guess it's just the season, or the alignment of the planets, or (gulp!) my
karma, but these keep popping up.  Two nights ago I saw Mickey Mantle on TV
saying "You mean right now?  Har-har-har-har!". and then yesterday and today
these arrived in the mail.  What could I do?  I HAD to send them on...  --psl]


		GOLDWYNISMS
		===========
Sam Goldwyn came to America from Poland and became a legendary
Hollywood movie producer.  Perhaps even more enduring than the
memorable MGM pictures he made are his classic manglings of the
English language, now known as Golwynisms:

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"I'll give you a definite maybe."

"We're overpaying him, but he's worth it."

"I never liked you, and I always will."

"Include me out."

"Don't talk to me while I'm interrupting."

"I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong."

"Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"The scene is dull.  Tell him to put more life into his dying."

"This book has too much plot and not enough story."

"Every director bites the hand that lays the golden egg."

"In two words:  im-possible."

"It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre."

"Tell me, how did you love my picture?"

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."

"Go see it, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."

"Yes, my wife's hands are very beautiful.  I'm going to have a bust
     made of them."

"We have all passed a lot of water since then."

"It's spreading like wildflowers!"

"You've got to take the bull by the teeth."

"This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up."

"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!"

"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

"I had a monumental idea last night, but I didn't like it."

"I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them five years."

"Color television!  Bah, I won't believe it until I see it in black
     and white."

"We want a story that starts out with an earthquake, and works its
     way up to a climax."

"I read part of it all the way through."

"Let's have some new cliches."

"Going to call him William?  What kind of a name is that?  Every Tom,
     Dick and Harry is called William."

"We'd do anything for each other.  We'd even cut each other's throats
     for each other."

"Our comedies are not to be laughed at."

"This new atom bomb is dynamite."



		BERRAISMS
		=========
As good as Goldwyn is Yogi Berra.  Posterity may best remember the
great Yankee catcher for the linguistic screwballs he has pitched
over the years.  Many observers feel that Yogi Berra learned to
mutilate the English language so creatively from his manager,
professor Casey Stengel, to whom is attributed such beauties as:

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."

"Good hitting always stops good pitching, and vice versa."


Apparently, Berra learned his lessons well, as demonstrated by the
following classic Berraisms, also known as Yogi-isms.  As Joe
Garagiola sagely observes, "He says things funny.  He says things
that are a split-second off the hinges."

"Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching."

"It ain't over `til it's over."

"No wonder nobody comes here -- it's too crowded."

"If the people don't want out to the park, nobody's gonna stop `em."

"There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't
     tell `em."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."

"I want to thank all the people who made this night necessary."

"Half the lies they tell me aren't true."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

(Mickey Mantle:) "What time is it?" -- (Berra:) "You mean right now?"

(Why it's tough to play left field in Yankee Stadium:)  "Because it
     gets late early."

(Ordering sweaters:)  "That's the kind I want.  I want one in Navy
     blue, and one in Navy brown."

(On receiving a check made out to "Bearer":)  "How could you spell
     my name like that?"

(Waitress serving pizza:) "Would you like it cut into four slices,
     or eight?" -- (Berra:) "Better make it four.  I don't think I
     can eat eight pieces."

(Berra on mathematics:)  "Why don't you pair `em up in threes?"
                         "99% of this game is half mental."

(Dale Berra, playing shortstop for the Pittsburg Pirates, was asked to
     compare himself with his dad:)  "Our similarities are different."


		WRIGHTICISMS
		============
More modern craziness from Steven Wright, not really as malappropriate as the
masters, but...


I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,
'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got
a full house and four people died.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many
people ask me if i'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
I was an only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I
had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.  I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off.  One day I got a
call from a woman in France who said "Cut that out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now
it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a
new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it
(moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)....
and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little
pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran
around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in
time.

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home
now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have
to go.  You'll just be walking down the street
and.................oohh, that's much better.

I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of
sea shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the
world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Goldwyn, Stengel, and Berra quotes
 from "Anguished English" - (c) 1987 Richard Lederer
 Via: Mike Jittlov <jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu>
 Via: yost <yost@mv.us.adobe.com>

Steven Wrighticism
 Via: wolford@angmar.llnl.gov (Jim Wolford)
 Via: casey@gauss.llnl.gov (Casey Leedom)
 Via: <pep@research.att.com>

© 1993 Peter Langston