Fun_People Archive
26 Mar
New Xerox copier wreaks havoc

Date: Fri, 26 Mar 93 02:46:35 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: New Xerox copier wreaks havoc

 From: <pep@research.att.com>
 From: casey@gauss.llnl.gov (Casey Leedom)

New Xerox copier wreaks havoc
	by Pete Repeat

   Xerox officials held an emergency press conference Thursday to announce
a total recall of all Reprotron 5000 Three-Dimensional Copy Machines.
   Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low since the release of the
innovative device.  Xerox hailed the Reprotron 5000 as a "new revolution
in copying" when it introduced the machine just two weeks ago, and market
insiders were certain that the copier would send Xerox stock through the roof.
   At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staffers made full
three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of fruit, and a perfect
red rose.  Reporters were invited to sample apples and oranges copied from
the original fruit, though Xerox technicians did warn that the copied fruit
might taste slightly of toner.  John Thompson (inventor of the Reprotron)
stepped forward to make a copy of a Manhattan phone book, but accidentally
copied his hand and forearm.  He quickly disposed of the highly detailed,
frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of the copier's delivery slot.
   But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next.  "We assumed that people
would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with this copier, and
obviously we were wrong," Thompson states.  From all across the USA, reports
have been filing in of the copier being used in what Thompson calls "sick,
greedy ways."
   At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for making 15
copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then refusing to pay for
the copies, claiming that some of the new children were "smudged."  Local
authorities were uncertain as to which charges should be pressed.
   In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are investigating
reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single bar of gold bullion
150 times.  A task force investigator stated, "Granted, it takes money to
make money, but we're almost certain that this action is in violation of
some laws."
   Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors that
the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect.  Harold Butz of Peoria,
Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common cement brick spray-painted gold.  Butz
claims he was "shocked and dismayed" when he discovered that the machine-made
copy was 22-karat solid gold.  "All I wanted was a really good copy of a
cement brick spray-painted gold'" Butz stated.  "What the hell am I going
to do with this thing?"
   Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but Thompson
expressed concern over the so-called "black market Reprotrons."
   "Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered that if they had two
machines, they could use one to make a working copy of the other," Thompson
revealed.  "To tell the truth, we only sold two machines in all - to the
Cappelli family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm.  These copy pirates
should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a copy and so on,
there are bound to be defects in the copies produced.  We have no idea what
kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a person copies something on
a fourth- or fifth-generation machine."  Thompson declined to comment on
reports that hundreds of the pirated machines have a human thumb attached
to the coin slot which constantly wiggles - the result of a person's thumb
getting in the way during one of the original copier-to-copier copies.
   "Ultimately, we're not too worried," Thompson stated.  "People owning
the copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that make the machine work,
and we've taken all the fluid off the market.  A machine can only last two
weeks or so without a fluid refill, and there won't be any fluid refills."
 When asked why people with copiers couldn't simply make copies of the fluid
cannisters they already have, Xerox officials hastily ended the press
conference, stating that they "need to reconsider a few things."

© 1993 Peter Langston