Fun_People Archive
29 Oct
Banjo Jokes (long posting)

Date: Thu, 29 Oct 92 12:33:18 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: Banjo Jokes (long posting)

    I recently received some jokes in the email (slightly paraphrased):

- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  What's the difference between fiddle tunes?
	The titles.

  What's the best way to play a bodhran?
	With a penknife.

  What's the difference between a trampoline and a hammered dulcimer?
	You usually take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

  What do you call a person that hangs out with folk musicians?
	A banjo player.

  Well, that's all that I can remember right now. I need to start writing
  these down. Anybody else have any folk music jokes I can add?
- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    And I was reminded that people who are ignorant of history are doomed to
repeat it.  Lest that should happen to others, here's some history...

- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To: "Bluegrass music discussion." <BGRASS-L@UKCC>
Subject: Re: More banjo humor

    Okay, here's the Banjo Joke Extravaganza I was threatening with earlier.
It's a mite out of date, sorta out of taste, and way out of proportion.
I've pared it down slightly, as Frank requested, but I tried not to alter
its massive sociological value as a research document... ]8-}
    Many scholarly discussions will, I'm sure, be inspired by the distribution
of this document.  For instance there's the question of whether joke #77 is
more lame than joke #83 - a tough question, you'll agree.
					Peter Langston
The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes


	Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo
	Jokes. Much talked about, but never revealed; until now.
	This presentation is the result of the tireless efforts of
	an international network of operatives who combed the earth
	(and beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make
	sure that this time we had the real thing: the definitive
	list of banjo jokes. Some withstood torture--and some paid
	the ultimate price: death. So important was our work that
	we persevered in spite of the obstacles.

	Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution.
	Banjo jokes are jokes about banjo players, their music,
	their instrument, environmentalism, animal rights, human
	sacrifice, and interplanetary grave robbing. These jokes
	has never been told in their entirety because they are
	dangerously funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in
	their entirety. we had to taken great precautions to
	safeguard our health while compiling this list: each
	operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of
	the jokes (one not to large as to overcome the individual
	with so much mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.)
	As I typed these jokes, I was blindfolded: part of the
	jokes were related in various, and obscure languages and
	dialects, other parts written, and still other parts
	transmitted in braille or Morse code.

	Therefore, I caution you to do the following:
1.  Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes if
you have a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure.
2.  Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If
you find yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness,
stop immediately.
3.  If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours these
jokes may cause serious health complications.
4.  (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.
5.  Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual
intercourse while reading these jokes.
6.  If you have any questions, please consult a physician before
attempting to read these jokes.

Are you sure you want to read these jokes?

Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up? Is it really
worth the risks?

	This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to
	the Complete list of 101 Banjokes. These jokes will change
	(or end) your life. I cannot give you any guarantees as to
	how these jokes will affect you; it all depends upon your
	physical and psychological state (which I cannot know.)

Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the Canonical
List of Banjo Jokes?

This is you last chance!! I mean it! Stop now before it's too late!

God help you and may the force be with you...

Disclaimer: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters,
places, and incidents are either the product of the author's
imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual
events or locals or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Dedicated to the time and place that is the unique lifestyle of
the banjo player of the '90s in Southern California and the excitement
and freedom that it brings us--it's cheaper than therapy.

What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
( 1.) Chain Saw: a chain saw has a dynamic range.
( 2.) Chain Saw: you can turn a chain saw off.
( 3.) South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy;
	the other is a bird.
( 4.) Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley.
( 5.) Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
( 6.) Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
( 7.) Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times.

How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
( 8.) 5; 1 to screw it in and 4 to complain that it's electric.
( 9.) 5; 1 to screw it in and 4 to lament about how much they miss the old one.
(10.) 5; 1 to screw it in and 4 to say that Earl wouldn't have done it thataway.
(11.) 5; 1 to screw it in and 4 to argue about what year it was made.
(12.) 5; 1 to screw it in and 4 to argue about how much it costs.
(13.) 5; 1 to screw it in and 4 to ask what tuning she's using.
(14.) 5; 1 to screw it in and 4 to stand around and watch.
(15.) 10: one to do it & 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done it better."
(16.) none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(17.) All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
(18.) 6: 1 to change it and 5 to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.

(19.) How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
	100: One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it...
(20.) What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?  drool...
(21.) How can you tell if the stage is level?
	If the banjo player drools equally out of both sides of his mouth.
(22.) Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
	It saves time in the long run.
(23.) What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo
	player run over on the road?  You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
(24.) What's the difference between a runover skunk and a runover banjo player?
	The skunk was on its way to a gig.
(25.) How many banjo players does it take to eat an opossum?
	Two; one to eat it and one to watch for cars.
(26.) How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
	By their names...
(27.) What is the definition of perfect pitch?
	Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
(28.) What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?  A visitor.

What are flaming guitars good for?
(29.) Lighting banjos on fire.
(30.) Kindling.

(31.) Why are banjos better than guitars?  They burn longer.
(32.) What's the best thing to play on a banjo?  A flame-thrower.
(33.) What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
	Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo!
(34.) What's the best thing to play on a guitar?  Solitaire.
(35.) What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
	Banjo player / joke teller.
(36.) How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
	The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.
(37.) Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?
	So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
(38.) You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good
	banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the
	cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.
(39.) Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are
	walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
	dollar bill. Who gets it?
	The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
(40.) What is the banjo picker's favorite whine?  Play Dueling Banjos...
(41.) Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple?
	That's so bass players can understand them too.
(42.) What do banjo players play best?  In a galaxy far, far away...
(43.) Where do banjo players play best?  In traffic.
(44.) How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?  ...
(45.) What is the most important aspect of banjo joke telling?...timing...
(46.) How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
	You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
(47.) What do you say to the banjo player in the 3 piece suit?
	Will the defendant please rise.

What do you get when you throw a banjo/accordion off the Empire State Building?
(48.) Who Cares?
(49.) Applause.

(50.) What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
	Not enough sand.
(51.) What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
	A good start.
(52.) What will you never hear said about a banjo player?
	That's the banjo player's Porsche.
(53.) How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?
	Shine a light in his ears...
(54.) You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish?
	By adjusting its scales...
(55.) Why do so many fishermen own banjos?  They make great anchors!
(56.) Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?  They make good paddles.
(57.) Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?
	So he could park in the handicap zone.
(58.) Why did the banjo player cross the road?  It was the chicken's day off.
(59.) What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune?
	Their color of course!
(60.) How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
	Jump up and down on them...If you get wine, you've got grapes!
(61.) I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery,
	I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your
	hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
(62.) "Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
	"Yes, of course..."   "Great! I never could before..."
(63.) What's the best / fastest way to tune a banjo?  With wirecutters.
(64.) Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo
	Players?  Measles -- You can get rid of the Measles.
(65.) What should you do if you run over a banjo?  Back up...
(66.) When do banjo songs sound the best?  When they're over.
(67.) Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?
	Because they can't pick on their fiddles.
(68.) Why does everyone pick on banjo players?  Because it's so easy!!!
(69.) Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players ... naaaaaah.
(70.) There's not much between you and a fool is there?  Just a banjo...
(71.) Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of
	obnoxious banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast?
(72.) Listener: Can you read music?
	Banjo player: not enough to hurt my playing.
(73.) A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
	"Do you serve banjo players here?"  "Sure do," replied the bartender.
	"Good," said the man. "Gimme a beer, and a banjo picker for my 'gator."
(74.) A banjo player walked into a bar...another banjo player walked into the'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened
	to the first banjo player and ducked!  [under the bar.]
(75.) The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly
	Gates.  After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their
	respective professions, ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their
	new Heavenly station.  After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such,
	St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.  Only a brief
	flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
	(cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of
	lavish trappings.  This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will
	be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time...) "Hot Dang,"
	the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can
	hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete
	leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane
	until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.  Pete
	indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and
	turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.  The Pope, in a mild state
	of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here?  You put
	that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate and I, spiritual leader
	of terra-firma, end up with this dive?  Pete looks at the pontiff
	amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically
	encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions.  We're
	putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together.
	That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned banjo
	player to make it up here!!"
(76.) Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend
	some quality time with each one.  He asked his first arrival of the day,
	"Hi!  What's your IQ?"  "150," he said.  "Great," said Peter, as he
	showed the man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the
	theory of relativity for a while."  He asked the next person, "What's
	your IQ?"  "120," she said.  "Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take
	some time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics."  To the
	third person, he asked, "What's your IQ?"  "42," drawled the fellow.
	"Fantastic!" cried Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who
	could help me play a banjo duet!"
(77.) A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with the smartest
	kid in his class,  "Hi, how are you doing?  What have you been up to?"
	he says.  "I'm doing experimental brain research at the Salk Institute,"
	replies the smart kid.  Then, our hero sees another classmate of his,
	who never was very smart.  He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How
	are you doing? I've been meaning to ask you, What type of picks do you
	use? Heard any good banjo jokes lately..."
(78.) Strummin on his ole....
	An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so
	that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world.
	After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming
	very close to death he called for all to gather together.  "I have one
	thing I would like to confess before I go," he said.  They all drew
	closer.  "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they
	leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out
	in a whisper.  Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the
	kitchen with Dinah..."
(79.) A man goes to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.  He sees a sign
	remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain
	store.  So he asks the butcher:
	"How much for fiddle player brain?"  "2 dollars an ounce."
	"How much for mandolin player brain?"  "3 dollars an ounce."
	"How much for guitar player brain?"  "4 dollars an ounce."
	"How much for banjo player brain?"  "100 dollars an ounce."
	"100 dollars??  Why is banjo player brain so much more?"
	"Listen buddy, do you know how many banjo players you need to kill
	to get one ounce of brain?"
(80.) At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
	another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
	banjo players for our experiments?"  "Really?" the other replied, "Why
	did you switch?"  "Well, for three reasons.  First we found that banjo
	players are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so
	attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do."
(81.) For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief
	vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
	affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
	few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
	short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!  "Helen, why
	didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I
	would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby
	would have my name!"  "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about
	my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it
	would be better to have a bastard in the family than a banjo player."
(82.) If banjo players spend half their lives tuning how come they spend the
	other half playing out of tune.
(83.) Banjo pickers: we tune because we care...
(84.) I bought mine tuned.
(85.) Banjo players play requests by multiple choice not fill in the blank.
(86.) "You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't
	wipe your banjo on your pants."
(87.) "Anyone can play one of them things--all you need is three fingers and
	a plastic head"
(88.) The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building
	-- you don't really need one.
(89.) Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing
	or they'll sink...
(90.) "Banjos are to music as Spam is to food..."
(91.) "He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo -- his brain is disconnected."
(92.) Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes!  Less Picking!  Sounds Great!
(93.) Second verse, same as the first.
	A little bit faster and a little bit worse.
(94.) "Them Banjo Pickers" by Mason Williams
	How bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
	  Same damn song for three or four times
	Them banjo pickers all they know
	  Is Cumberland Gap and doe-see-doe
	Them banjo pickers talking bout strings
	  Banjo pegs and other such things
	Them banjo pickers them poker faced mugs
	  They never do smile they just play Scruggs
	You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
	  Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it
(95.) The banjo is such a happy instrument -- you can't play a sad song on the
	banjo; it always comes out so cheerful...
(96.) If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play it's folk
	music, otherwise it's bluegrass.
(97.) Some people call it Cripple Creek -- but they're wrong!
(98.) I used to play on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it!
(99.) After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play;
	however, your neighbors will pay you to stop.
(100.) you can either laugh a little faster or I can tell the jokes
	a little slower...
(101.) "The only thing worse than telling banjo jokes is laughing at them!"


banjopourri: [French; banjo + of pourrir, to rot] a stew,
mixture, medley, miscellany, or anthology of banjos. Coined from potpourri.

stealth banjo player: doesn't have a clue as to how
the song goes--tries to hide behind other musicians.

symbolic bass: got volunteered to play bass in the band but doesn't want to
break a fingernail.

zombiegrass: picture a banjo picker standing straight faced under a large
cowboy hat.


  I started collecting banjo jokes in August of 1990 while preparing
for the Julian Banjo, Fiddle, Guitar & Mandolin Contest. Summertime
is the perfect weather for jamming. The New Expression music store
had their annual camp out to start the summer off and by August,
I hit every bluegrass club meeting in greater San Diego County.
  Then one night it happened, I was invited to a jam at a
friend's house so I grabbed my banjo and a strawberry pie,
called another banjo player and invited him to join us and
was off. Well, there were so many banjo players at the jam
that night that one of the bass players started with the
banjo jokes (some of which sound a lot like recycled lawyer jokes.)
  I tried to forget them and failed so I started
writing them down but my attempts to regain my sanity were
in vain. At least with this I can practice getting the
jokes right or just call them off by number. My quest for
the perfect banjo joke had begun. The consequences of this
have far outreached any expectations I could have had at the time.
  At every bluegrass club meeting, Julian, and
New Expression banjo workshop since I have eagerly interrogated
the other banjo players and bluegrassers for new jokes.
I asked the band at the pizza parlor before they went on
and they started telling jokes in between songs. By then
I knew all the answers and my name was becoming synonymous
with banjo jokes!
  I posted my jokes to the folk music and
humor news groups of the Usenet electronic computer network
which is sent around the world via the National Science
Foundation Internet computer network and got a reply from
banjo pickers from as far away as England and Scotland.
These jokes go out to the members of the Slow-Jam and end
up in the North County Bluegrass & Folk Music Club newsletter
which goes out and ends up...this is great I get people
mailing me banjo jokes from all over the place.
  I sent a copy of my joke collection to the Bluegrass Special and
the dj read some on the air for anyone who was awake on
Sunday night at 11:24 pm. It was finals week and it really
made my day to hear my name on the radio.  People have
started to recognize me at bluegrass jams around town as
"the guy with all the dumb banjo jokes."
  #1. Down in the bluegrass crossword puzzle in the June 1991 issue
of the San Diego Bluegrass Club newsletter says "Darrell Reich
always has a new one. (two words)" [nine letters.] #1.
Across is "That high lonesome sound...."
  I usually start jamming with the joke of the week to warm up. One
of the nicest compliments I've gotten is when someone told me,
"Hey Darrell, I thought you just carried that thing [my
banjo] around and told jokes all day but you're actually
pretty good!" [at playing the banjo not telling jokes.] I
had just told all my jokes and then jumped in with Whiskey
Before Breakfast, the song I picked to play at Julian this year.
  The critics [non-banjo players] say, "you would have
to be a banjo player to enjoy these jokes--I'm sure you
and the boys are still laughing..." and it's true fer sure!
  So, this is it, my 101 banjo jokes, The Canonical List,
numbered and illustrated complete with preface, disclaimer,
dedication, glossary, epilogue, and appendices, perfect to
just stuff in your case so you'll never be without a comment
on stage or at a jam. Even by yourself--you'll always have
a reason to smile. Enjoy. Keep those cards and letters
coming! I've got one more year of college before I've got
to go and get a real job [the banjo player for Apple
Computers Inc.?!?] If I had to do it all over again, I'd
make the same mistake....

Darrell Reich
9154 Cadley Court
San Diego, California  92129-3348  USA
home phone: (619) 484-5978 work phone: (800) 446-6473
     pager: (619) 529-4607        fax: (800) 843-8537

Appendix A:     1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo Players

 1.     Any persons with a valid hunting license may harvest
	banjo players.
 2.     Taking of banjo players with traps
	or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is
 3.     Killing of banjo players with a vehicle
	is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead banjo
	player to the roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash.
 4.     It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest banjo
	players from snow machine, hay wagon, helicopter, or aircraft.
 5.     It shall be unlawful to shout "jam",
	"bluegrass", or "free pizza" for the purpose of trapping
	banjo players.
 6.     It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo
	players within 100 meters of Jeep or Ford Dealerships.
 7.     It shall be unlawful to use drugs, cute girls, $100 bills,
	or banjo PA system sales to attract banjo players.
 8.	It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 200 meters
	of acoustic music stores, bluegrass club meetings, parking
	lot picking sessions, pizza parlours, or Radio Shack stores.
 9.     If a banjo player is appointed to a government
	position of senior responsibility, it shall be a felony to
	hunt, trap, or possess them.
10.     Stuffed or mounted banjo players must have a state health department
	inspection for AIDS, rabies, and hoof-and-mouth disease.
11.     It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
	reporter, drug dealer, female banjo player, pizza delivery
	person, talent scout, girl scout, sheep, illegal provider
	of copyrighted music, bookie, or tax accountant for the
	purpose of hunting banjo players.

				Bag Limits

yellow bellied sidewinder....2     reputable banjo players....Extinct
two faced banjo players......1     banjo joke teller..........2
back stabbing frailer........1     brown nose picker..........1
big nosed singer.............3     tab pirate.................2

dr: 09.22.91					 a ha ha

Appendix B:     ten easy steps to better banjo playing...

	  The Doc Stock Banjo Method
	or Any jerk can play the banjo
	      so why not you too?

by Jim Rosenstock

Lesson 1:       Beat It!

The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play
too gently.  True, musical instruments require great care and
special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these.
There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo:
the hit (abbreviated h in tablature), the harder hit (H), and the
beat (B). Learn these three licks, and soon you'll be able to play
anything!  Remember -- Hit 'em again, hit 'em again, harder, harder!

Lesson 2:  Stage Presence

A dignified stage presence will do more
than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious,
professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs--you have
a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you
should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler,
(5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into
space. The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo

Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune."
Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not
be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo:

(1) With a tuning fork:  Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the
clear bell-like tone.  Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.
(2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard
surface. Continue as with method (1).
(3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.

Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature

It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes
in old-time music: the G Tune, the A Tune, the D Tune, and the C Tune.
It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound
exactly the same.  Tablature is a simplified form
of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper.
Avoid all tablature--you will get nowhere as a banjo player by
imitating musicians.

Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret(tm), pizza, strawberry pie, & Banjo Playing

	Just say, "Why not?" [refer to page 1 and Appendix A]

Lesson 6: Playing with Musicians

Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning
banjo player. You should not be intimidated,
though, because musicians like to have a banjo player or two around.
Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by
contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming!

Lesson 7: Banjo Paraphernalia

A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune
in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key.

A case protects your banjo from abuse,
except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but
where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers?

A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to
which is responsible for the odor.

Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on
the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes
it is filtered through the kidneys first.

Lesson 8: Name That Tune

As mentioned previously,
there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is
definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this,
so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug
in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy
in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch,
Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond,
Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9: Three Myths Dispelled

	Myth Number 1:  It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.
	         Fact:  The only talent most banjo players have is
			a talent for avoiding hard work.

	Myth Number 2:  You can make good money playing the banjo.
	Fact:   People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.

	Myth Number 3:  Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go.
		 Fact:  This is only true if you never go anywhere.

Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune

h=hit it! H=hit it harder!        B=beat it!

This article was reprinted from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog,
Julie Mangin, editor. 12 issues for $8.00. 95 East Wayne Avenue, Apartment 312
Silver Spring MD  20901; (301) 495-0082.

Appendix C:     Telling jokes by the numbers...

	A tabloid reporter went to the annual banjo joke teller's
	convention to report on it for her newspaper. Part of the
	convention was a joke competition. The first comedian came
	out and said, "Number 236." The crowd burst out laughing.

	The next comedian walked on stage and said, "Number 1265."
	A round of laughter gripped the audience. Some of the people
	around the reporter even fell out of their chairs.

	Another one came out and said, "Number 876." The chuckling
	lasted for minutes.  The confused reporter turned to the
	person seated next to her and asked, "I don't get it. Why
	are they just saying numbers?" The guy replied, "Well, we
	know all the jokes by numbers, so all the competitors have
	to do is give the number."

	The next comedian came out and said, "Number 834." Silence.
	Not even a guffaw...  The reporter asked, "What happened?"
	"Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

	The next comedian came out and said, "Number 1654."
	The audience erupted with raucous laughter.  More hysterics
	than any of the previous comedians.  The confused reporter
	asked, "What happened?" "That was a banjo joke we had never
	heard before."

pictures: the Far Side Cartoons...
wait, wait what's that sound, what's that sound...
Devil: Here's your room Maestro...
Docter, doctor, I've come all the way from Alabama with this thing
stuck on my knee...

Banjo Dinner Music Cartoon...

The Compulsive Lyre "no, no I'm a banjo..."

"Frets ain't nothing but speed bumps on a banjo..."

[=] © 1992 Peter Langston []