Fun_People Archive
17 Aug
Classified Ads of the Weird

Date: Mon, 17 Aug 92 12:51:10 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Classified Ads of the Weird 

This forwarded from Craig Harris <charris@u.washington.edu>

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than
you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

>Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like
one of the family.

>A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

>Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.

>For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.

>For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a
table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat,
size 8 and fur collar.

>Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique
lover.

>Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

>Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in
factory.

>Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce
at night.

>We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it
carefully by hand.

>No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle
spray will make it really repellent.

>For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

>For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an
Alaskan Hussy.

>Creative daily specials, including select offerings of
beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.

>7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your
likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

>Great Dames for sale.

>Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.

>Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

>20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to
pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and
bottled by us last year.

>Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

>Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

>If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the
Pere Lachasis Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere,
Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

>Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the
Serena Lodge.  Swim in the lovely pool while you drink
it all in.

>The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

>Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

>Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

>Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

>Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

>Save regularly in our bank.  You'll never reget it.

>We build bodies that last a lifetime.

>Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

>This is the model home for your future.  It was panned
by Better Homes and Gardens.

>For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

>For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

>Man, honest.  Will take anything.

>Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month.
 References required.

>Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in
sandwich shop.

>Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be
willing to travel.

>Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here
first!

>Christmans tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the
hard-to-find person.

>Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

>Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
drink.

>3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience
preferred.

>Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.

>Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

>Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try
us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

>See ladies blouses.  50% off!

>Holcross pullets.  Starting to lay Betty Clayton,
Granite 5-6204.

>Wanted: Preparer of food.  Must be dependable, like the
food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

>Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

>Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion.  Blue Cross and salary.

>Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.

>Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.

>Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

>Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

>And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

>We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in
your home for $1.00.


        >   And these beauties from the radio:

>Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a
 ridiculous figure.

>Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High
 Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their
 reproduction.

>When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in
 the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
                                          MAIL

>Tune in next week for another series of classical music
 programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

© 1992 Peter Langston