Microsoft Antitrust Defense 2.0
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 99 16:41:41 -0800
Subject: Microsoft Antitrust Defense 2.0
From: Jens Alfke <firstname.lastname@example.org>
MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES "MICROSOFT ANTITRUST DEFENSE 2.0"
REDMOND, Wash., February 16, 1999 -- Microsoft today announced the release
of Microsoft Antitrust Defense 2.0, a major upgrade of its legal defense
against antitrust charges currently being prosecuted by the Justice
"The initial version of our antitrust defense was considered a great success
by the public at large," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "as evinced by
numerous entirely voluntary and 100% genuine letters to the editor, printed
in major newspapers across the country. However, we're aware that some
users, including analysts, legal scholars and Federal judges, experienced
credibility problems with portions of the defense. This new free upgrade
completely addresses these issues -- and adds fantastic new features, too!"
** New Features And Improvements **
* Microsoft executives no longer contradict earlier testimony under cross-
examination by government attorneys.
* Incriminating Microsoft e-mails obtained under subpoena are automatically
deleted, freeing up gigabytes of valuable hard disk space on prosecuting
attorneys' computer systems. (Not compatible with Norton Utilities'
* Problematic Microsoft defense attorneys from version 1.0 are upgraded to
3D synthespian facsimiles of famous historical or fictional lawyers,
including Clarence Darrow, Perry Mason and Oliver Wendell Holmes. "Our
graphics and artificial intelligence groups have been working on this
fantastic technology nonstop since their successful release of Microsoft
Bob," said Snej Lefka, Director of Virtual Legal Technology.
* Videotaped demonstrations of removing Internet Explorer from Windows 98
("Feltenizing") no longer switch misleadingly from one computer to another
nor fail to demonstrate any performance degradation; in fact, using advanced
pyrotechnic technology developed by Microsoft's multimedia research group,
the "Feltenized" computer now crashes, busts into flames, rolls over in
mid-air and explodes in a manner compatible with such popular television
shows as "The Streets Of San Francisco" and "CHiPs". The CBS TV show "60
Minutes" has announced support for this new feature and will shortly be
airing an expose on the hazards of de-Explorer'ed PCs.
* The videotaped deposition of Microsoft CEO Bill Gates resolves certain
credibility and charisma problems that a few viewers experienced with the
1.0 release. In version 2.0, Gates instead leads courtroom viewers on an
exciting and unprecedented public tour of his famous high-tech mansion!
* Performance is greatly improved, allowing the entire trial to take place
in only 15 minutes (benchmarked on a 450MHz Pentium II system) ending in a
complete acquittal of Microsoft, as well as US Government confistication of
the assets of Netscape Communications Corp., Apple Computer, Inc., and Sun
Microsystems, Inc. and of all copies of the Linux and Java source code.
** Availability and Installation **
Microsoft Antitrust Defense 2.0 is available immediately as a free download
from Microsoft's website, at <www.microsoft.com>. It installs easily into
the recipient's wetware and automatically updates crucial Registry keys
without noticeable discomfort. All memories of the earlier Federal antitrust
trial are deleted and replaced by new, improved memories, including the
unprecedented new features described above. Microsoft recommends that all
viewers of and participants in the earlier trial upgrade to the new release.
© 1999 Peter Langston