Fun_People Archive
9 Dec
Christmas is coming.......Erma Bombeck / Martha Stewart

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  9 Dec 98 14:13:11 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Christmas is coming.......Erma Bombeck / Martha Stewart

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Forwarded-by: Paul Hostetter <music@lutherie.net>
Forwarded-by: Dudley Brooks
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	Letter to Erma Bombeck from Martha Stewart:

Hi Erma,

   This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to
tell you what I have been up to.

   Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn
wood and a glue gun.  I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and
made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

   Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA
that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

   By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my
20 breakfast guests.  I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course
breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to
make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

   Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a
touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold
stars on the ceiling.

   Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds
and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast.
These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any
Hungarian craft store.

   Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm
wearing for breakfast.

   I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as
the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.  Hope my breakfast guests
don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves
before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

   Love, Martha Stewart

   P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold
gauze.  I  soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries
which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

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	Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha,

   I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention
to the coffee and jelly stains.

   I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch
with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing
out, again.  Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make
those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?

   Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an
old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth.

   Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I
defrosted them in the microwave.

   Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie
snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles
puke!

   The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

   Love, Erma

© 1998 Peter Langston