Fun_People Archive
24 Mar
The Comedian's-eye View of 03/24/98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 24 Mar 98 01:30:33 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 03/24/98

Excerpted-from: 03/24/98 -- ShopTalk

                        Tuesday March 24, 1998

     "Most media analysts agree closed captioning for the Jerry Springer
      show is a ridiculous idea -- because it implies his viewers can read."
				- Craig Kilborn on The Daily Show

                               &&&&&&&&&&

The ABCs of Sex: Mary Kay LeTourneau, the Seattle teacher who is reportedly
pregnant for a second time by a former student, has authorized a book about
herself.
"It'll be called 'Everything I Needed to Know About Sex, I Learned From a
Kindergartner.'" (Steve Voldseth)

A Male Pill: Scientists have devised a birth control pill that lowers sperm
count.  "The pills are chewable and come in the shape of Richard Simmons."
(Jay Leno)

Meals on Wheels: A Baltimore businessman is opening a chain of theme
restaurants called Crash Cafes.  "Or as Amtrak calls them, 'dining cars.'"
(Voldseth)

Hoop Action: Two Fresno State basketball players were arrested last week,
accused of armed robbery and assault.  "It's March madness.  The top two
games over the weekend were Kentucky vs. UCLA and the People vs. Fresno
State." (Argus Hamilton)

El Nino Update: A freak blizzard in Israel dropped 8 inches of snow on
Jerusalem last week.  "The untimely storm is being blamed on El Nino's
Jewish cousin, El Schlomo." (Premiere Radio)

Fidelity: President Clinton is reinstating direct flights to and from Cuba.
"This well help both countries.  Cuba will get much-needed food and
medicines.  The US receives much-needed starting pitchers and switch-hitting
shortstops." (Jerry Perisho)

Infidelity: Republicans want a House committee to look at Kenneth Starr's
evidence.  They say they're not interested in prying into the president's
sex life.  "Right.  And they also read Playboy just for the articles."
(Hamilton)

Infidelity II: A CNN poll says 49% of Americans think the media shouldn't
cover sexual allegations about Clinton.  "It's so bad that 87% wish OJ would
kill somebody else." (Bill Maher)

Body Double: A New York man bought a car at a police auction, went home and
found a dead body handcuffed in the trunk.  "Actually it isn't that bad.
This week, he can use the carpool lane." (Leno)

Labor Pains: The Screen Actors Guild may go on strike.   "One ominous sign:
The actors are reportedly well into their second week of picket-line
rehearsals." (Bob Mills)

School Daze: New York's Board of Education voted to require school uniforms.
"The kids already have guns; might as well give them uniforms too.  The
whole Army thing." (Leno)

"The Kathleen Willey accusations have Republicans talking about impeachment.
For those of you who don't know your civics, under the rules of succession,
the next in line is, of course, John Travolta." (Jim Rosenberg)

"ABC News is expected to announce that Kevin Newman will replace Charlie
Gibson as co-host of the ailing "Good Morning America." GMA is second only
to Titanic as the longest-running sinking ship in media history."
(Rosenberg)

"In a swipe at President Clinton, the Rev. Jerry Falwell noted that he had
never been alone with any woman except his wife and daughter.  Paging Linda
Tripp! Paging Linda Tripp! It is time to release the Falwell tapes!"
(Rosenberg)

© 1998 Peter Langston