Fun_People Archive
10 Oct
No Holds Barred Questionaire

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 97 13:41:22 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: No Holds Barred Questionaire

Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
Forwarded-by: gevans@cpd.ntc.nokia.com

	Are You an Unreconstructed, Right-on, Rogue Male
	    Or a Delivery Boy of the New Male Order?
		   Are You a Man or a Louse?
			Find Out Below.

 1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously:
 a) Short sighted.
 b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
    sexual gratification.
 c) Begging for it.
 d) A recording.

 2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
 a) Sex.
 b) Fucking.
 c) Enclosure.
 d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

 3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
    shared:
 a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
 b) Blood-test results.
 c) A cab.
 d) Five tequila slammers.

 4. You time your orgasm so that:
 a) Your partner climaxes first.
 b) You both climax simultaneously.
 c) The director can set up for a close-up.
 d) You don't miss Sportsnight.

 5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
 a) Strictly for cats.
 b) Healthy, creative love-play.
 c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
 d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

 6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
 a) The best part of the experience.
 b) The second best part of the experience.
 c) A loathsome chore.
 d) $100 extra.

 7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last month.
    You tell her that it is:
 a) No concern of yours.
 b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
 c) No problem - she can join your gym.
 d) A conservative estimate.

 8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
 a) An ideal to which you aspire.
 b) A myth.
 c) An oxymoron.
 d) A moron.

 9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
 a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of
    my life..."
 b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
    lamb..."
 c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
 d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
 b) Someone who provides an essential service.
 c) A cheap date.
 d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
 b) Someone who provides an essential service.
 c) A cheap date.
 d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
 a) Sex with someone you love.
 b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
 c) A team sport.
 d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
 a) When she drops her nail file.
 b) When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
 c) When the Earth moves.
 d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
 a) Call her.
 b) Call your lawyer.
 c) Call your doctor.
 d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
    sexual fantasy:
 a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
 b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
 c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
 d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
 a) An overdraft.
 b) A blow job.
 c) Her to pay next time.
 d) A thank-you letter.

17. You call your penis:
 a) John Thomas.
 b) Terry-Thomas.
 c) Massive.
 d) On its birthday.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
 a) Priming is to painting.
 b) Appetiser is to entree.
 c) Trailer is to feature.
 d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
 a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
 b) Free Mike Tyson.
 c) Free Willy.
 d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
 a) Haggle.
 b) Talk dirty.
 c) Talk of love.
 d) Talk on the phone.

21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
 a) Outraged.
 b) Implicated.
 c) Jealous.
 d) Never going to vote anyway.

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
 a) Easier.
 b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
 c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
 d) A tricky defense in court.

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
    the end of a relationship?
 a) "I hope we can still be friends."
 b) "Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: you."
 c) "I'm not in right now.  Please leave a message after the tone...."
 d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
 a) Before you go out.
 b) Before you pass out.
 c) As a party trick.
 d) Never.

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and
    a carving knife in the other. Do you:
 a) Talk through her anger.
 b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
 c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
 d) Ask her to put down the knife.

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
 a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
 b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
    of intimacy.
 c) May need glasses.
 d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

© 1997 Peter Langston