Fun_People Archive
15 Jun
Top5 - 6/16/97 - Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 15 Jun 97 23:44:03 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Top5 - 6/16/97 - Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal

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                         June 16, 1997


        The Top 15 Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal



15> Camel cash catalog to include iron lung at 150,000 coupon level.

14> Sell super-cancerous $8 cigars to kill all those pretentious
    cigar-smoking snots.

13> No more advertising on billboards, but the tattoo area is
    wiiiiide open!!

12> Lucky Strike Psychic Friends Network will be permitted to
    predict that every caller will fail miserably in their attempt
    to quit smoking.

11> In final gala advertising event, Joe Camel to chew C. Everett
    Koop's beard off on pay-per-view.

10> Tobacco companies agree to take Jesse Helms out of their back
    pocket.

 9> Only sports to be sponsored by tobacco companies: Lung Tossing
    and Long Distance Phlegm Hacking.

 8> All cigarette ads must carry picture of nude Ernest Borgnine
    and/or Bea Arthur.

 7> Sexy people doing exciting things in ads replaced by people in
    Starfleet uniforms attending a Trek convention.

 6> At RJ Reynolds corporate headquarters, every Tuesday is "Free
    Tracheotomy Day."

 5> Reduce nicotine, increase "moldy sardine" flavor.

 4> Mandatory new brands:  "Phlegm", "Yellow Tooth", "Loser Lights",
    "Desperate Bid For Peer Approval 100s."

 3> CEOs of Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds entitled to occasional
    trident sharpenings and horn polishings.

 2> Government agrees not to interfere with industry's upcoming
    "Lung Disease is Cool" and "Bum a Smoke From Mickey" campaigns.


 and the Number 1 Item in the Tobacco Companies' Deal...


 1> Warning on side of packets replaced with picture of Keith
    Richards.


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