Fun_People Archive
28 Jan
Ode to a Mammogram

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 97 22:22:07 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Ode to a Mammogram

[This is the latest article in our continuing education series for people
who've never had a mammogram (imaginative Fun_People may remember a previous
article in the series entitled "Hooter's Index" (see Note 1) which contained
the valuable statistics...
	Approximate percentage of Americans who will ever have
	a routine mammogram:    50  (see Note 2)
	Approx. percentage of mammogram designers who will ever have
	a routine mammogram:     0  (see Note 3)
-psl]
	
Forwarded-by: chuck@NYC.Thinkbank.COM (Chuck Ocheret)
ALEX HAAS wrote:

       ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

For years and years they told me,
     Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
     and give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
     and protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
     and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
     The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
     to look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said
     as she got my t*t in line.
And tell me when it hurts, she said
     Ah yes, there, that's just fine!

She stepped upon a pedal...
     I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
     My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched-n-stretched
     From way up by my chin,
And my poor t*t was being squashed
     to Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt.
     Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
     My poor defenseless t*t!

Take a deep breath, she said to me.
     Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
     I can't breathe, woozy I'm getting!

There, that was good, I heard her say
     As the room was slowly swaying.
Now let's get the other one
     Lord, have mercy, I was praying!

It squeezed me from the up and down.
     It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done
     to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
     I surely have one now....
If there had been a cyst in there,
     it would have popped, ker-pow!

This machine was made by man,
     Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his b_ll's in there,
     For months he'd go without!

-------------
[
Note 1 - Don't go looking for "Hooter's Index" - I just made it up.
Note 2 - And I made this up, too.  The idea is that men rarely get mammograms.
Note 3 - Yup, you guessed it.  The idea is that, by and large, men have been
	deciding the fate of women when it comes to health issues.
-psl]

© 1997 Peter Langston