Fun_People Archive
16 Jan
The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 97 14:28:58 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu
Forwarded-by: lratmans@sas.upenn.edu (Lisa Ratmansky)
Forwarded-by: Cynthia Schossberger wrote:
Forwarded-by: Susan M. Peppers wrote:
Forwarded-by: Barbara Scheele wrote:

	The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim
    her nails, and give her new clothes.  Then she's yours.
    (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

15. Find a prostitute and marry her.
    Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

14. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
    Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
    Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and
    carry her off to be your wife.
    Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
    Note: this will cost you a rib.
    Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
    Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
    for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.
    Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

 9. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his
    daughter for a wife.
    David (I Samuel 18:27)

 8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
    definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
    Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

 7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
    Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

 6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
    seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
    decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
    Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

 5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife.  (Prepare to lose four sons though).
    David (2 Samuel 11)

 4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.  (It's not just a good
    idea, it's the law).
    Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

 3. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
    Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

 2. A wife?...NOT!!!
    Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

 1. Become sinless and die in atonement for others; then you can marry a
    whole bunch of people.
    Jesus (Revelation 15?)

© 1997 Peter Langston