Fun_People Archive
28 Nov
The Jaisun Report for 11/28/96

Content-Type: text/plain
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 28 Nov 96 01:23:28 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Jaisun Report for 11/28/96

From: Jef Jaisun <eljefe@halcyon.com>


    El Jefe News and Commentary


======================================
Page One!
======================================

>Nashville, Tennessee:
>
>Officials of the city's new downtown arena hope to be flush with success
>after a toilet test on Saturday.

I guess all those Cute-Butt Country singers gotta have a place to sit down
eventually.


======================================
Page Two!
======================================

>The film stars Ted Danson, John Lithgow, Kelly Lunch,

Kelly Lunch?!?!? I thought she was dessert?!?

>Jon Bon Jovi and Jamie Lee Curtis.

And Jerry Mathers as "A Plant Called Mary Wanda." The movie is called "Third
Rockin' Place Where Everybody Knows Your Name, Dickhead."

>It concerns people who grow real marijuana and those who rip them off.

With special guest appearance by Janet Reno as Jessica Fletcher, who
successfully investigates herself.

>While stoned thieves are one possibility for the theft, the pot purloiners
>may have known exactly what they are doing, Williams said.

I vote for Fat Freddy's Cat.

>The plants may have been taken as a form of protest against the movie
>company, which has brought truckloads of heavy gear into the usually
>peaceful park.

Not if really was Fat Freddy's Cat. He would have just shit on the truck seats.

>Either way, the moviemakers are not amused.

People sitting in jail for growing pot and having it ripped off from them by
the police are also not amused.

>"They're concerned that they're not going to be able to finish the
>filming," Williams said.

Gee, why not use REAL pot instead? There's no shortage of it in the area.

>If the pot poachers return their loot, the producers "are not interested in
>prosecution," she added.

No, but you can never trust State AG Dan Lundgren, who personally directed
the August raid on the Cannabis Buyers Club in San Francisco. And yeah, he's
a little miffed about the 60+% passage of the medicinal pot initiative. It
must be the Harry J. Anslinger in his blood.

Besides, I'm sure the REAL pot growers in jail would be happy to cut the DEA
the same deal....give us back our dope and we won't press charges.


======================================
Page Three!
======================================

>  The study also found that when waiters
>"casually touch a customer on the shoulder or hand, especially when the
>customer is female" the tip goes up by a whopping 42 percent.

Uh, exactly which tip are we talking about here?

© 1996 Peter Langston