Fun_People Archive
10 May
Further Stupid Criminal Tricks

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 10 May 96 03:38:29 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Further Stupid Criminal Tricks

Forwarded-by: bdws <bdws@eskimo.com>
Forwarded-by: Karen Downing <karend@microsoft.com>
<further forwards detained>

HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK

    The following is an excerpt from Tim Clark's "How Not to Rob a
    Bank." Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a
    number of would-be robbers.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK

    You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim,
    CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and
    had no money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY

    Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield,
    Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk
    took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.
    Nobody  tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy
    down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER

    One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and
    her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape
    about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until
    authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE

    Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in
    the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing
    the name and address of another in Detroit....and in East
    Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
    robber's signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE

    A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her
    face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up
    banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE

    One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran
    face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be
    positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY

    Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn
    into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police
    guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security
    men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME

    Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who
    hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown
    North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until
    police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK

    Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber,
    while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket,
    shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG

    Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
    Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,
    fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His
    getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

© 1996 Peter Langston