The Trailing Edge Catalog
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 95 23:53:11 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Subject: The Trailing Edge Catalog
[These are particularly good when read aloud in a smarmy, fast-talking
pitchster voice - especially the final lines... -psl]
Excerpts from: The Trailing Edge Catalog: Products You CAN Live Without
-- by Alan Meiss, firstname.lastname@example.org
Electric Shocking Pager
Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful
reminders strapped to their bodies. This unbreakable device delivers
a painful electric shock to notify them of pending appointments and
approaching deadlines. Not legal for use on livestock.
Where'd it come from? Is it real? Should I open it? These mysteries
and more are yours to unravel when you order this ominous-looking device.
Makes a great gift.
Dead Rat in an Old Buick Hubcap
Pretty much self explanatory. A great alternative to pot-pourri.
Color may vary.
Stress Enhancement Tapes
Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with the sound of ocean
waves and forest breezes; pop these jarring cassettes in your WalkPerson
and keep your edge! Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley
cars, jackhammers, and low-flying jets assaults your ears on the Urban
Rhythms tape. Thrill to the natural sounds of hyenas in their death-agony
and screeching howler monkeys defending their territory on Shrieks of
Nature! Forty-seven tapes in all.
Young Investigator Kits
Now your children can explore the wonders of nature with these exciting
Scorpion Hatchery: Leave the eggs in a cool, dry place such as a coat
closet or dresser, and experience the thrill as dozens of young hatch
in the coming weeks.
Giga Glue: Mix the chemicals in a well ventilated area to produce a
pungent mixture that will permanently adhere to virtually any form of
Electric Tower of Power: An exciting new kit that lets you turn any
high tension wire tower into a glowing, spark-shooting Tower of Power!
May disrupt television reception in surrounding counties.
Mutation Exploration: Discover the Miracle of Life as you trace the
development of small creatures exposed to the Big Lump O' Cesium.
Lead shielding sold separately.
Little Tykes Musical Maelstrom
Everything a budding young musician needs for a really BIG sound!
Includes a trumpet, a slide trombone, a ten-piece drum kit, blasting caps,
an air-raid siren, and a 500 watt amplifier! Act now and receive a free
ten-pound bag of raw sugar that'll give them the energy to play on through
the night. The perfect gift for children of parents you hate.
The Enchanted Chalkboard
Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical
Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite tunes
on this four album collection. Every hair on your body will stand on end
during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River. Be moved to tears
by his masterful two-handed interpretation of Chariots of Fire. Perfect
for the office!
Why let your children be unnecessarily constrained by boring old
facts? Expand their horizons and give them lots to think about with these
dynamic new educational videos. Maybe two plus two is negative
seventy-three. Maybe George Washington fought Eskimo raiders in the
Franco-Prussian War of 1066. Maybe ice melts because of sunspots and evil
spirits. Or maybe not. After all, Anything's Possible in this exciting
series that will profoundly influence your child's educational progress
for years to come.
How many times has this happened to you: you've just gorged yourself
on roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're completely out
of dental floss! Well, you'll never be without floss again with
FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare. Record your
hourly flossing activity in the FlossTracker Spreadsheet Module to
generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss consumption,
complete with three-dimensional distribution plots and histograms.
FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss inventory, projecting
your floss needs for the coming weeks and automatically ordering
additional floss as necessary from the nearest FlossWare Regional
Distribution Center. You can calculate optimal floss lengths for your
personalized dental profile, and even add flavor with the optional Mint
Module. FlossTracker requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of
storage space, a Novell file server, an atomic clock, a Romulan cloaking
device, and Windows 95.
© 1995 Peter Langston