Fun_People Archive
30 Mar
BONG Bull

Date: Thu, 30 Mar 95 13:23:33 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: BONG Bull

From: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)
Excerpted-from: BONG Bull No. 315

*********************************************************************
        The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's Newsletter
 <<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> BONG Bull <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>
                      Charley Stough, Chief Copyboy
*********************************************************************
            Copyright (c) 1995 by BONG.  All rights reserved.
...

THE E&P WEAR INDEX.  The average age of journalists mentioned in Editor
& Publisher's March 18 obits was 81.47, up an astonishing 6.025 since
March 4.

...

JUXTAPOSED.  The Good Gray Lady's national edition March 24 featured a
photo, a caption, and below a double-bar, one of the Times's
characteristic two-line ads. The caption/doublebar combination reads:
     "Jennifer Hanbury holding a picture of her husband, reportedly
slain at the order of a Guatemalan linked to the C.I.A. Page A3.
	====================================================
THE WOODLAWN CEMETERY OFFERS superior cremation facilities. For a free
informative pamphlet Call 718 920-0500 --ADVT.

...

     -- Andrew Denny (den@oakwood.win-uk.net) reports, "Your piece
about headlines in newspapers reminds me of my favourite (the "uk" in
Andy's electronic address entitles him to use more ink in "favorite" and
"neighbor") from a local paper in Ongar, Essex, England.  Over a story
about the only library in the district running out of funds to buy more
books, the headline was: Book Lack in Ongar."

...

WORDS AT PLAY.  Jack Schofield (jack@cix.compulink.co.uk), passed
on some editorial hilarity from the Wordplay-L digest. A member asked,
"Has anyone other than my friends and I taken up the use of the word
'gruntled?'  We always hear about disgruntled postal workers shooting
people, so after a nice lunch, when we are all relaxed and mellow, it
seems appropriate to describe ourselves as gruntled."
     Schofield added, "Reading this apt little snippet reminded me of
an amusing thread that began with the following question:
     "If, as a means of punishment, a man of the cloth is defrocked, or
a lawyer disbarred, does it not follow logically that a Far-Eastern
correspondent would be disoriented?" The mind boggles at the
possibilities.  A cowboy deranged, a prostitute delayed, a lawyer
distorted, a wino deported..."
     -- The New York Times' own Stephen Miller, assistant to the
technology editor, reports a Bill Headline, CBS Washington, D.C.
deputy bureau chief, and a St. Louis, Mo., florist named Violet Fern
Rose.

...

COMIX SECTION.  The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, Ace
Photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
     PANEL ONE:  Turning off the photo-lab TV set, Speed observes,
"Forrest Gump wins the big Oscar, Typo?  Imbecile gags?  What is the
world coming to?"
     Typo retorts, "A new era is upon us, Boss!  Say, last week where
was your trenchcoat, the deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire
service executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern island?"
     PANEL TWO:  Speed explains, "Forgot it in the Bait Shop and
couldn't go back till payday, Typo, but very kind of you to ask!  So,
how will newspapers deliver on society's new adoration for bald-faced
idiocy?"
     PANEL THREE:  Leering, Typo shamelessly mugs the audience, pops out
of the panel and, doing his best Mama Newt, stage-whispers, "Whaddya
think, kids?  Should I go to town on that wide-open straight line, or
let him keep some dignity?"
     PANEL FOUR:  Typo gets a grip and declares, "Ahem, well Boss, I
think we should go to the staff meeting and take a reading!"
     PANEL FIVE:  Entering the Sunday-page brainstorm, the Deft Duo
observe Features Editor Hyperba Lee free-associating with the gang,
"You know, life is like a ... Middle desk drawer full of old eyeliners!
... Rolodex found in the coat room! ... Staff car back seat! ... Sports
writer's checkbook! ... Staff lounge refrigerator! ... "

As life goes, a box of chocolates is as good a simile as any for BONG
Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, Dayton Daily News, 45 S. Ludlow St.,
Dayton, Ohio 45401, and NYTNS tasters can even leave the half-eaten ones
in the box!  Phone (513) 225-2445 after 3 p.m. eastern.  Fax 225-2489.
E-mail copyboy@dmapub.dma org.

© 1995 Peter Langston