Take matters into your own hands.
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 94 23:48:02 PST
Subject: Take matters into your own hands.
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: "Don Hatch" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: "Sue Olsen" <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: Tammy Zimmer 225-2855 <ZIMMER.TAMMY@A1GW.GENE.COM>
From: Harold Palms <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Global Jerk '95 - Hand Jobs Across the World
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 11:07:07 -0800
I've sent the following press release out to 78 of the top media outlets
in the country:
CONTACT: Harold Palms For Immediate Release!
Council Of Masturbation Educators December 17, 1994
PO Box 1183
Campbell, CA 95009
GLOBAL JERK '95
HAND JOBS ACROSS THE WORLD
The Council Of Masturbation Educators (COME) proudly proclaims
December 31st to be World Wanking Day. On this day, millions of
people around the world will engage in solitary or mutual
masturbation, culminating at midnight Greenwich Mean Time (7 P.M.
EST) in the biggest simultaneous orgasm in history.
"Global Jerk '95 -- Hand Jobs Across the World" is an international
orgy, a giant Jack&Jill-Off promoting self-love as an alternative to
self-hatred and shame. This unprecedented release of sexual energy
will have profound healing effects on the planet, possibly even
flipping the Earth's magnetic field. Scientists are preparing to
study these effects, which may include earthquakes and power outages.
In addition to being covered by the usual news media, this event will
be widely publicized throughout the Internet, the computer network
which recently broke the Pentium bug story. We estimate that, by
New Year's Eve, roughly half a billion people will have heard of World
Wanking Day, and between ten and twenty million will actually
participate. Many organizations are planning local celebrations and
Wank-a-thons to raise money for safe sex programs.
We dedicate this event to Dr. Jocelyn Elders, the U.S. Surgeon General
whose honesty, courage and outspokenness led the jerk-offs of both
parties in Washington to call for her resignation. Many Global Jerk
'95 participants will be mailing their representatives spooge-filled
condoms imprinted with the message, "I masturbate, and I vote."
Forget the politicians; take matters into your own hands. Have sex
with someone you love, and with millions of total strangers
throughout the world. It's a hand job, but someone's gotta do it.
This is an idea whose time has cum.
© 1994 Peter Langston