Fun_People Archive
9 Jun
DIYC - Welcome to Do-It-Yourself Country

Date: Thu,  9 Jun 94 00:55:20 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: DIYC - Welcome to Do-It-Yourself Country

Forwarded-by: <Gramppa@aol.com>
Forwarded-by: barnard@isi.com

                     DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG
                     ***********************************

I met her ____________ ____________;  I can still recall _______________ she
               (1)         (2)                                (3)

1  on the highway        2  in September             3  that purple dress
   near Altoona             at McDonald's               that little hat
   outside Fresno           ridin' shotgun              that burlap bra
   in Sheboygan             wrestlin' gators            those training pants
   on probation             all hunched over            the stolen goods
   at a truck stop          poppin' uppers              that plastic nose
   in a nightmare           sort of pregnant            the Stassin pin
   in a jail cell           with jogger                 the neon sign
   in the Stone Age         stoned on oatmeal           that creepy smile
   in a treehouse           with Merv Griffin           the hearing aid
   in a gay bar             dead all over               the orange wig
   incognito                hustlin' Martians           the boxer shorts


wore; She was _____________ _____________,
                   (4)           (5)

4  sobbin' at the toll booth          5  in the twilight
   drinkin' Dr. Pepper                   but I loved her
   weighted down with Twinkies           by the off-ramp
   breakin' out with acne                near Poughkeepsie
   crawlin' through the prairie          with her cobra
   smellin' kind of funny                when she shot me
   crashin' through the guardrail        on her elbows
   chewin' on a hangnail                 with Led-Zeppelin
   talkin' in Swahili                    with Miss Piggy
   drownin' in the quicksand             with a wetback
   quotin' Al Pacino                     screamin' "May Day!"
   slurpin' up linguini                  in her muu-muu


and I knew _____________; _________________ I'd _________________ forever;
              (6)               (7)                   (8)

6                                      7                         8
no guy would ever love her more        I promised her          stay with her
that she would be an easy score        I knew deep down        warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store   She asked me if         swear off
booze
that she would be a crashing bore      I told her shrink       change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"       The judge declared      punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore      My Pooh Bear said       live off her
it was a raven, nothing more           I shrieked in pain      have my rash
we really lost the last World War      The painters knew       stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor   A Klingon said          hate her dog
what strong deodourants were for       My hamster thought      pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core        The blood test showed   play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor      Her rabbi said          salivate


She said to me _______________; But who'd have thought she'd ______________
                   (9)                                            (10)

    9  our love would never die                             10  run off
       there was no other guy                                   wind up
       man wasn't meant to fly                                  boogie
       that Nixon didn't lie                                    yodel
       her basset hound was shy                                 sky dive
       that Rolaids made her high                               turn green
       she'd have a swiss on rye                                freak out
       she loved my one blue eye                                blast off
       her brother's name was Hy                                make it
       she liked "Spy vs. Spy"                                  black out
       that birthdays made her cry                              bobsled
       she couldn't stand my tie                                grovel



__________________; ________________________ goodbye.
       (11)                   (12)


11  with my best friend        12  You'd think at least that she'd have said
    in my Edsel                    I never had the chance to say
    on a surfboard                 She told her fat friend Grace to say
    on "The Gong Show"             I now can kiss my credit cards
    with her dentist               I guess I was too smashed to say
    on her "Workmate"              I watched her melt away and sobbed
    with a robot                   She fell beneath the wheels and cried
    with no clothes on             She sent a hired thug to say
    at her health club             She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
    in her Maytag                  I pushed her off the bridge and waved
    with her guru                  But that's the way that pygmies say
    while in labor                 She sealed me in the vault and smirked

© 1994 Peter Langston