Date: Mon, 6 Jun 94 16:11:18 PDT
Subject: Skinhead Hamlet
Forwarded-by: Jason White <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Here is the Bard's most thoughtful and tragic work, rendered in Skinhead speak.
<<Forwards Deleted--and there are a lot of them>>
The skinhead Hamlet
Act I Scene I
:The battlements of Elsinore Castle:
:enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST:
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
GHOST: I was fucked!
HAMLET: O fuck.
: The Throneroom:
: Enter KING,CLAUDIUS,GERTRUDE,HAMLET and COURT:
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
HAMLET( alone):They could have fucking waited.
:Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES:
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't
slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
: Enter HORATIO,HAMLET, and GHOST:
GHOST:Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fuckin poison
in my ear!
Act II Scene I
:A corridor in the castle:
:Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS:
POLON: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLON. Enter ROZENCRANTZ and
ROS & GU: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GU)
HAMLET: To fuck or be fucked.
OPHELIA: My lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(They exit in different directions)
Act III Scene I
:Enter PLAYERS and all COURT:
1 PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart....
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this
:Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE:
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLON: (From behind curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabbs POLON through the arass)
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
Act IV Scene I
:A Court Room:
:Enter CLAUDIUS and HAMLET:
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
:Enter OPHELIA,GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS:
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window)
There is a willow grows aslant in the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
: A Corridor:
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
Act V Scene I
:HAMLET and HORATIO seated:
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it,
Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a
LAERTES: Oi, wanker, let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and are both poisoned by the poisoned sword)
(The queen drinks)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drank the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat)
Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush, no hard feeling, eh?
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
HORATIO: Fuck, that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
FORTIN: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fuckin mess, that's for sure.
FORTIN: No kiddin. I see Hamlet's fucked.
FORTIN: Fuckin shame. Fuckin good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fuckin right.
FORTIN: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums)
© 1994 Peter Langston