My stigmata's acting up
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 94 10:57:34 PDT
Subject: My stigmata's acting up
Forwarded-by: Eric Myers <firstname.lastname@example.org>
|<<forwards are still at home>>
I found these in the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington
Post. It was a contest in which readers were asked to come up with
excuses to miss a day of work:
-- < ----- > --
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop olny by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I
will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired my for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet. . .
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house
is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have
seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.
-- < ----- > --
© 1994 Peter Langston