The 46 things
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 94 16:59:35 PDT
Subject: The 46 things
Forwarded-by: Dave@yost.com (Dave Yost)
Forwarded-by: email@example.com (Brian Roddy)
Forwarded-by: Ronaldo Mendoza <mendoza@matia.Stanford.EDU>
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46 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek
1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it
has encountered before.
2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists
who are all perfectly all right.
3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called
Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything
is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later
turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the
Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring
the right leads.
7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a
computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge
protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another
without serious incident.
10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and
dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can
blame it on in the end.
13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify with candy.
14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon,
which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise,
and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day
19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered
without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would
represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a
single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23) Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski
show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love
poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual
range no one says "On screen."
28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond
to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in
"Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we
know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32) The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.
33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better
34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a
hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36) Data falls in love with the replicator.
37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
[or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not
fall in love. -psl]
38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell
40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being
able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
(Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't
sacrifice herself for him.
44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by
alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan
physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to
understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.
© 1994 Peter Langston