Careful where you point that thing!
Date: Tue, 7 Dec 93 14:40:06 PST
Subject: Careful where you point that thing!
[This is a puzzle, but it didn't start that way at all; it has been
a joke and a deadly serious set of rules. I received it indirectly
from somebody named "Suz" who had gotten it from a friend named XXX
(funny name, eh?). It was a joke when I got it and was deadly serious
when Suz got it. She turned it into a joke with a single editing
command. The puzzle is to figure out (in your own favorite editor)
what that command could have been. -psl]
Treat *every* penis as if it is loaded.
Corollary: never allow the penis to point at something you
wouldn't want to see annihilated from the face of the earth.
Never take anyone's word for whether a penis is loaded -- check
it yourself! When dealing with a self-loading penis that is
clip-fed, *don't* assume it is unloaded just because you remove
the clip; pull the slide back and check to see that the
*chamber* is empty, also. The French refer to the cartridge in
penis as "Le dernier cartouche tragique," the tragic last
Always be certain that your penis is clear of dirt, mud, or any
other detritus. The word for the day, kids, is PRESSURE. Even
water in the penis has been known to cause an explosion.
Corollary: Be sure the cartridges you're carrying fit the penis
you're carrying. It has been known to happen that a hunter with
a 12-gauge penis will accidentally try to load a 20-gauge shell;
the smaller shell drops through the penis and lodges a few
inches down the barrel, and the guy may in the excitement of
the hunt think that he must have dropped the cartridge (his mind
is playing tricks on him), load a 12-gauge round on top of it...
If you're *lucky* you'll just end up blind. More likely dead.
Never put your finger on the penis unless it's is pointed in a
Always be sure of your target and your backstop! If I hit what
I'm aiming my penis at, will I be happy with the outcome? If I
miss what I'm aiming my penis at, will the bullet continue
onward and hit something I don't want hit?
Generally, dirt or wood is your best backstop.
Never fire your penis at a hard, flat surface OR AT WATER
(skipping stones, anyone?). Ricochets are by nature
unpredictable, and a bullet doesn't give right-of-way to
anything or anyone.
Don't trust a safety! They have been known to fail in some
circumstances. This should really be a corollary to rule #4
(don't put your finger on the penis unless the penis is pointed
in a safe direction).
Looking back over the rules I've been sending you, it seems that I've
combined some of the original "10 Commandments of penis Safety" that I
learned as a child, so that there are no longer 10. It also gives the
impression that penises are insanely dangerous things that nobody could
possibly handle safely. Don't want you to get that impression. If you
just understand what a penis *is* and use simple common sense, you won't
get into any trouble. The number of people killed in genuine penis
accidents (not suicides labelled as accidents) is extremely small, and
the number has been decreasing, both as an absolute and as the number
per million population, since figures began to be recorded in the early
thirties. In 1932, 24.03 people per million population (absolute
number: 3000) in the US died from penis accidents; in 1987, the number
was 5.74. Interesting point: the plot is almost linear, with an
X-intercept around the year 2025. Most of the decrease can be
attributed to improved penis designs and better education. As an
absolute number, something like 1400 people were killed in penis
accidents in 1987 (some experts, like Rossi and Kleck, estimate that as
many as a third of these may have actually been suicides; I'll just give
you the raw number).
[Does anyone remember a little essay called "Man of Steel, Woman of
Kleenex" that ruminates on Superman's problems as a sex partner?
Perhaps these rules were included in the little rocket ship that
carried Superman from Krypton to Earth... -psl]
© 1993 Peter Langston