Fun_People Archive
14 May
Wifespeak

Date: Fri, 14 May 93 18:05:52 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Wifespeak

[Here's an outdated relic of pre-liberation womanhood and the sly presumptions
that perpetuated it ... or is it out of date?  As I ponder this list, I see a
surprising number of translations that are still current.  Hmmm...  Maybe I've
been watching too much TV?  -psl]
 
 From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>

The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife

     WIFESPEAK                  ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
     ---------                  ------- ----------
  You want              <==>    You want
  We need               <==>    I want
  It's your decision    <==>    The right decision should be obvious by now
  Do what you want      <==>    You'll pay for this later
  We need to talk       <==>    I need to complain
  Sure,... go ahead     <==>    I don't want you to
  I'm hungry            <==>    (a) Make me something to eat
                                (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
                                    your last $$, and go drive across town
                                    and get me something to eat. ... I don't
                                    care if what you are doing is important.
  I'm not upset         <==>    Of course I'm upset, you moron
  You're,... so manly   <==>    You need a shave and you sweat a lot
  You're certainly      <==>    Is sex all you ever think about?
  attentive tonight
  I'm not emotional!    <==>    I'm having my period
  And I'm not over-
  reacting!
  Be romantic, turn     <==>    I have flabby thighs
  out the lights.
  This kitchen is so    <==>    I want a new house
  inconvenient
  The car is empty      <==>    Go fill it up
  The trash is full     <==>    Take it out
  The dog is barking    <==>    Go outside in your underwear and see what is
                                wrong
  I want new curtains   <==>    and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
  I need wedding shoes  <==>    the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
  Hang the picture      <==>    NO! I mean hang it there!
  there
  I heard a noise       <==>    I noticed you were almost asleep
  Do you love me?       <==>    I'm going to ask for something expensive
  How much do you love  <==>    I did something today you're really not going
  me?                           to like

In answer to "What's Wrong?"

  Nothing               <==>    Everything
  Everything            <==>    My PMS is acting up
  Nothing, really       <==>    It's just that you're such an asshole
  I don't want to talk  <==>    Go away, I'm still building up steam.
  about it

© 1993 Peter Langston